8 Comments »

• 1
  

  Hi Kelly,

  Personally, I like your last option, but I would not include a hyphen. That way the reader can decide where to put the pause and it can be read either way. It’s a nice effect that will make the reader slow down when reading it. The haiku will linger in their mind a bit longer. That’s my 2 cents, anyways.

  Comment by Gisele — August 12, 2010 @ 6:26 am

• 2
  

  The first one gets my vote. I like your site.

  autumn comes early…
  midsummer heat cannot stop
  a red sumac leaf

  Comment by JimmythePeach — August 12, 2010 @ 6:33 am

• 3
  

  if there’s to be a “cut ” i think it belongs after lone leaf_
  but i agree with gisele… the ambiguity of reading it in
  several ways is good mindplay. two halves, and yet
  a whole haiku.

  each little hints of fall-to-come is so precious.
  it’s supposed to be 98 here in ga today.

  Comment by johanna — August 12, 2010 @ 8:29 am

• 4
  

  You know, I keep going back and forth, and I think I’ve changed my mind and like having the sumac leaf line first. And, in another few minutes, I’ll probably change my mind again…lol. I think it works well either way.

  No wonder you’re having a hard time deciding!

  Comment by Gisele — August 12, 2010 @ 9:04 am

• 5
  

  I like this post today, Kelly! It’s nice to workshop a poem or a painting or a story. And why not online?

  I like the first one. I like that I get to experience the image first and then the scene and the context second. I think by having the image first it brings me immediately into the moment.

  Comment by Alison — August 12, 2010 @ 9:58 am

• 6
  

  tough decision each version is appropriate; my favourite though, is version2

  Thank you for stopping by Lunch break and sharing a haiku; it will be added to the renga later as the tale unfurls

  much love
  gillena

  Comment by Gillena Cox — August 13, 2010 @ 2:38 am

• 7
  

  Thanks for your comments y’all. I’m still undecided! I could make an argument for every single one, which is why I had such a hard time making a decision.

  I think, though, that I’m leaning towards number 2. I, too, like having an image in the first line. And yet, because I know that I like having an image in the first line, I’m aware that I do this in lots of my haiku. I’ve noticed that most of my breaks appear at the end of line two.

  So I was trying to switch it up by moving that last line to the top. And while I like that result, I just can’t move away from the image coming first…..

  Comment by Kelly — August 13, 2010 @ 4:35 am

• 8
  

  See how indecisive I can be? Now I’m loving the second one!

  Comment by Alison — August 13, 2010 @ 5:44 am

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