Comments on: Haiku 589

By: Alison

Alison — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 13:44:51 +0000

See how indecisive I can be? Now I’m loving the second one!

By: Kelly

Kelly — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 12:35:21 +0000

Thanks for your comments y’all. I’m still undecided! I could make an argument for every single one, which is why I had such a hard time making a decision.

I think, though, that I’m leaning towards number 2. I, too, like having an image in the first line. And yet, because I know that I like having an image in the first line, I’m aware that I do this in lots of my haiku. I’ve noticed that most of my breaks appear at the end of line two.

So I was trying to switch it up by moving that last line to the top. And while I like that result, I just can’t move away from the image coming first…..

By: Gillena Cox

Gillena Cox — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 10:38:55 +0000

tough decision each version is appropriate; my favourite though, is version2

Thank you for stopping by Lunch break and sharing a haiku; it will be added to the renga later as the tale unfurls

much love
gillena

By: Alison

Alison — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:58:31 +0000

I like this post today, Kelly! It’s nice to workshop a poem or a painting or a story. And why not online?

I like the first one. I like that I get to experience the image first and then the scene and the context second. I think by having the image first it brings me immediately into the moment.

By: Gisele

Gisele — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:04:36 +0000

You know, I keep going back and forth, and I think I’ve changed my mind and like having the sumac leaf line first. And, in another few minutes, I’ll probably change my mind again…lol. I think it works well either way.

No wonder you’re having a hard time deciding!

By: johanna

johanna — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 16:29:44 +0000

if there’s to be a “cut ” i think it belongs after lone leaf_
but i agree with gisele… the ambiguity of reading it in
several ways is good mindplay. two halves, and yet
a whole haiku.

each little hints of fall-to-come is so precious.
it’s supposed to be 98 here in ga today.

By: JimmythePeach

JimmythePeach — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:33:37 +0000

The first one gets my vote. I like your site.

autumn comes early…
midsummer heat cannot stop
a red sumac leaf

By: Gisele

Gisele — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:26:55 +0000

Hi Kelly,

Personally, I like your last option, but I would not include a hyphen. That way the reader can decide where to put the pause and it can be read either way. It’s a nice effect that will make the reader slow down when reading it. The haiku will linger in their mind a bit longer. That’s my 2 cents, anyways.